The Roles We Play: With Psychologist DRJ

In this first episode of The Journey with Dr. J, psychologist and spoken word poet Dr. Julia Garcia peels back the layers we wear—the achiever, the strong one, the fixer, the one who keeps it all together. Recorded live in Phoenix, the episode holds space for what happens when we stop performing and start being real.

Through raw stories, poetry, and audience moments, Dr. J explores what it means to release the pressure, the expectations, and the identities we grip too tightly. Because sometimes, the bravest thing we can do is let go of who we think we should be, and make room for who we actually are.

This isn’t about finding a destination.
It’s about showing up for the journey—messy, honest, and fully human. 

Wherever you're at on your journey, keep going.. keep growing... and never lose hope. 

Transcript

for me it doesn't matter how many degrees I have
or how many times I dropped out of school
which was three times
or how devoted I am as a mother or a wife or how faithful I am
I always feel like I've just come up a little too short
like I'm maybe either not enough or I'm too much
welcome to journey with Doctor J
no destination just the journey
this isn't just a podcast
it's a journey and it's one we don't just listen to
but we live together wherever you're at on your journey
keep going keep growing
and never lose that fire inside that lights the path towards hope
what's up everybody and welcome to jerk
I'm here with Doctor Jay we are here in my hometown of Phoenix
Arizona kicking off this podcast launch
I am so grateful for everyone tuning in
either watching or listening in
this has been years in the making
and I'm so grateful for everyone who is here
and everyone who's going to share today
you're going to hear poetry
you're going to hear stories
and we're going to talk about the individual and collective journeys
that we go on
and a lot of this will be things we don't usually talk about
or maybe know how to talk about
and we're just gonna journey together
as we get started I wanna share a poem that I wrote
I love poetry I don't always know how to communicate things
I feel even as someone who spent her entire adult life
professionally speaking when it comes to my feelings
I still hesitate even as like a professional
and poetry is a way where I can say things
I don't always know how to say
so this piece is called I waited
I waited and I waited and I even waited tables while I waited
but my dreams had been sedated
I was seeking a kind of success that could change my family's address
I ran in circles from myself
dodging every other temptation to get there quicker
by doing it like everyone else
so I wrote to rewrite the wrongs I had to fight
and I spoke when no one else would
so the generations after me knew that they could
I even allowed myself to serve
and to care for those who exploited my heart and treated me unfair
I stood firmly even when I was being held back
I ignored the fine print
explaining how my qualifications would always just lack
I just kept waiting for my chance
for a choice for the acknowledgement of my voice
I waited and I waited until I realized
every direction I went would always be invaded by them
waiting for me to fail
we're bringing the mic over to another audience member here
the biggest thing was I don't know if you ever read Doctor Seuss's uh
um oh
the places I'll go or you'll go and the waiting room
I read it to my daughter often that I
as you were reading that poem
it made me think of like this
almost this trap of waiting
how often people tell you to wait rather than just do
thank you so much so that poem for me
there was a line that talks about my qualifications would always lack
and for me it doesn't matter how many degrees I have
or how many times I dropped out of school
which was 3 times
or how devoted I am as a mother or a wife or how faithful I am
I always feel like I've just come up a little too short
like I'm maybe either not enough or I'm too much
and it still makes me hesitate professionally personally
can I love my husband just a little bit more
can I open up just a little bit more vulnerably
can I pursue some of the things
like this dream that I have and not be so scared
can I do things that terrify me more and more each day
so that I can keep growing in the ways I feel called and LED to grow
so I really wanted to make this journey
about those things that I still am going through
cause I don't always have it all together
this venue even was last minute
we almost didn't have it but thankfully we had someone
a friend just show up and make it happen
and there are just so many
things in the way of us pursuing what we are passionate about
if no one has done it before
or maybe they just won't do it like you'll do it
and so it can be really scary
I would love to introduce a few people who have been on my journey
since I was in the womb
they are people who've been a part of my heartbreaks
my crazy days they
we have done everything together
gone to funerals buried people we love
and we have journeyed together
so I wanna bring my sisters
we got Tamra also known as Tam Tam
we got the oldest in the middle
Wendy the pooh also known as Wendy
and then down there in the corner
we've got Brianna
I was really terrified to do this podcast
because I knew I wanted it to be interactive
and I wanted it to share parts of my journey
that I don't normally do professionally
so I'm like who better than to do it with my sisters
my and mamas we are part of a blended family
we have different dads some of us do
we have different beliefs
we have different professional pursuits
we have different roles in our families
one of us lives in Peru point to who you think it might be
it's this one on the corner
one lives in Utah one list here in AZ
representing everyone in the room
and then I live in New York
so we're also spread out geographically
and yet we still always find a way to come back to each other
before I introduce them a little bit more
I just want to share that most recently I was able to get a book deal
which was an amazing dream of mine
shout out to the 5 habits of the kicker was
is I needed to finish the first draft
in the first weeks of my daughter's birth
and I was nursing every 2 hours around the clock
and each of them including my mom
took turns flying in to help me with the baby
and also were there before to help set up the nursery
cause y'all know I don't do well at those things
but I just want to take a little moment
I'm already getting emotional
I know right
like I pray that if someone doesn't have a biological sister
that they have that kind of support it some point in their life
because I wouldn't have been able to do that
which propelled me to this part of my journey without these ladies
and my mom I love you guys
love you too now Asha we're gonna play a quick little game
which one of the four of you matches this description best
okay I'm gonna start easy
I'm gonna start predictable
who was the troublemaker growing up not me
hmm seems like we have an answer there
haha
uh which sister is the most likely to start drama
but also be able to smooth it over
Mickey
I don't know where I don't know that was gonna be a guy
the answer is please a fifth okay
oh very good choice
yes um okay
I know we'll get into your stories in a little bit
but which sister has changed the most since childhood
oh um yeah
look at your big eyes
clear a clear answer
here she is here she is today
I'm losing uh
alright now let's go
let's go a little more light hearted
if one of you would survive a zombie apocalypse
which sister would it be okay
I'm ready now I'm ready now
she's the brains yes
the brains and the brawn yeah
we call her the steroids to my scrawny
so you might be too I got your back
yeah you got my back
okay just a
just a few more for you so time is a sensitive subject for me
I am always running late
point to the sister who's always 10 minutes late
but who's worth the wait I have to see
you I have to see you okay
we're mixed reviews mixed reviews
okay alright
uh mom
mom what's the answer to that
dancing my children
sure yeah
yeah yeah
we'll take that excuse we'll take that excuse
uh now tell me which sister would accidentally start a cult
all right I have just two more for you
point to the sister who's most likely to turn a family fight into a
group therapy session Brianna
well hold on now it's like a Spider Man
I'm a little more feisty she's more like oh
bring us all together now
I don't want to start a fight with this last one
but which sister is the funniest sister
all of us me
all of us I don't know
there's no clear answer here
you think it's me Bree
she's like a second behind me
you two are trailing third and fourth
we're not funny I think I'm really funny
okay I guess not
thank you Asha
for those really strange interesting questions
well as sisters
you know or anytime you are close to someone in your life
you go through a lot together
you're exposed to a lot of what they're exposed to
and for us we had a lot of laughs
we had a lot of joy we've celebrated each other's weddings
I almost didn't survive yours cause I was very sick
we've been a part of every big moment
birthday parties all the things
but we've also experienced the
more difficult and traumatic things in life
as well our family has been through a lot
there are members of our family who are hit by a drunk driver
there are members of our family who have struggled with addictions
we've lost people we love to addictions
and we've been together through so many things
way too many funerals um
and we've experienced big traumas
tiny traumas
and it really shaped some of the roles that we took on as siblings
so I'm curious for each of you
which role like what
how did the things that we went through good and bad
kind of shape your role as a sister or a sibling
cause we also have two brothers
there are 6 of us there are 6 of us total yeah
um I guess since I'm talking
I'm again my name is Wendy
I am the oldest not the old one though
um I would say I was always the responsible one and the second mother
so that pretty much carried through um
through all of the the siblings that I were considered my own
so that's kind of weird but um
since I was the oldest yeah
I guess I go next cause I'm the second um
so I am the second oldest my name is Tammy
I guess the
perfectionist of the group
the kind of like giddy to shoes
so I've heard um
but just kind of keeping that determination to like
I guess go for perfection
lead as a good example for like the younger kids and just kind of yeah
aka the moral compass yeah
yeah true
um
so I'm the baby which in that sense
I'm so fortunate because every part of my life
I had someone to go through
and if I look back in life
I went to her for this I went to her for this
I went to you for this
so I got a little piece of the tools from all of them
so I'm very fortunate in that sense
um and even to this day
I always like um
any best friend I have is gonna be like
has my back my caretaker
and I think that's from being caretaken from my
my sisters
so yeah I would say my role
I think we could all agree
I kind of was like the the Rebel Without a cause
wilding out and they just picked up the pieces of my
my crazy self they still take care of me
as you all know they just help me out raising my daughter
but now it's for more positive reasons
whereas before it was it was me just while and out
kind of doing things that were really unhealthy and even dangerous
and then being there to kind of help pick up the pieces
I'm curious is just opening this up to the audience
are there any rules you related to that were shared here
hi I'm Kirsten
so we're the first two grandkids
so I feel like we kind of set the role like for the younger um
cousins cause we have 13
I believe but even like growing up
she was like my role model
like she played soccer I played soccer
so it's like yeah
I kind of relate to like having um
her being like my the one I look up to and my mom
like I follow in their steps
kind of I relate to being the second mother as well
cause I am the oldest grandchild
the oldest niece
the oldest daughter I got oldest everything but I wouldn't change it
love that this is a family journey
so now that we are older we have children of our own
what are the rules in your life now
and how have they impacted the journey you're on
am I am I up then yeah
yeah um
so
oh okay
so I guess it's gonna get real real quick
um so right now I'm kind of going through something pretty big
oh gosh
you got it oh my gosh yeah already
I don't even know okay so
um my oldest son right now is
I guess he's in a rehabilitation center right now
so that's all positive um
but he was like on his deathbed a couple of weeks ago
so the for pneumonia and just running a fever
so um
it's been kind of like a roller coaster right now um
but he is definitely improving and hopefully gonna come home soon
so I mean my role has just kind of been to like really focus on that
and I'm fortunate to have my kids at home like totally capable of
surviving without their mom even though I feel like I'm like how you
I don't know how you guys are doing that
cause I'm feeling like really it's tough to not be there for them
but so I guess my role right now is gonna be like a caretaker um
I'm kind of shifting to that
like being a nurse
even though I'm not qualified for those duties at all um
but yeah so I don't know
I know that there's people in this room who are caretakers
or have been caretakers
can you give us a wave if that's been you or is you right now
right right now my mom uh
and I'm the youngest also my family
and I really relate to what Bree said
about learning from all of my siblings
it's a beautiful position to be in
um where that flips is when you have to become a caretaker to
caretaker to your parent so my mom
a couple years ago had a massive heart attack right when I moved home
and if I if I wouldn't have picked up my phone that morning she
she would have died in her
in her apartment
um so
I rushed to the other side of the city to go get her
and took her to the hospital
she got life flighted um
to another hospital she would have died right in
right in front of me and recently she is
she's struggling with all of her relationships and has nowhere to go
and and everybody else has given up on her and
and I'm the youngest and now it's time to almost parent my
my parent right
and I think that I resonate with what you're talking about
of your role changes over time
and it's it's up to you to decide
are you gonna step up and step into that role or are you going to
to bypass it so it's just a
it's a very weird thing going from being the baby to then parenting a
a older sibling or your your parent
thank you for sharing that
I think it's really interesting how the roles that we take on
they impact our relationships with people too
and seeing you go through this has just given me just so much more
respect and love and you are so freaking
oh shoot I'm sorry guys
but the way that you just drop everything for your children
it really has been a role model thing for me to wanna be a mom and um
I'm just okay
um
I would love to see if there's something that you guys
maybe even connected with
or different on the rules that you have
and maybe how it's affected your journey right now
close to what you're going through
I'm like I'm not yeah um
not as deep or um sad but I would say um
I'm a little bit of a at a loss right now
so um
both of my husband and I have were been together for many
many years and we pretty much had a playbook up until um
both of our children graduated from the university
well they both did on May 1st and May 2nd so applause for that yeah
but we only planned up to when they graduated
and now we're looking at each other like
so now what you know like
we did all the things that we set out to do and our goals and our our
um
time time
what are those called
like a timeline of events that we were gonna achieve and we've
we've done that and now we're finding ourselves um
at yeah with without a compass
we just don't know what we're gonna do and it's pretty much
are we starting all over again
like what are our options
what does our future look like are yeah
no no ma'am sorry
I'll wait for the grandbabies
but neither one of them are anywhere near close to that
so that is something that is you know changed me is that so yeah
I actually got to connect and meet someone tonight for the first time
who shared a little bit of
with their part of their journey
and they're on a new page in a new chapter too
and it's not maybe for the same reasons
but just kind of having a blank page in front of you
and finding ways to fill it
and discovering new parts of yourself
that maybe you've held back before
cause of the other roles you've had
or maybe you just forgot about or maybe you couldn't at the time
so I think that that I already know that is
I could definitely relate to that
this chapter of my life too
so I'm already like fearing it with my second oldest leaving the house
and I'm just like oh no
it's starting and I'm
yeah I'm sorry
I'm so sorry
cause I'm feeling it already and I'm not there yet
so yeah it's crazy to hear you say that
because that reflects exactly back to what I just said um
I kind of had these three to look up to like hey
this is ahead this is ahead
this is coming
um cause right now I have 3 little ones and I'm in
I lost my mind after the 3rd one
I don't have an identity other than just running around with a chicken
with my head cut off um
but I hear you and what I do since I was little is I take that
and I seen it somewhere back in my head
and I'm like okay
you gotta prepare for that
like prepare for it and I think that's been my role
and it's funny to hear you say that because I'm reflecting on that
I'm like oh
I'm gonna take that I'm gonna seed it
I'm gonna root it my journey is in a whole different place right now
but it's just funny because that's um
what I've done um
my sister in university she's like study abroad
so I went to Argentina
she's like I always want to learn Spanish OK
I'll learn Spanish for you
thanks for doing that for me
I always want to go to Mexico City OK
I'll do my master's degree in Mexico City for me
um OK
this is so um
it's just funny you say that
cause I'm like OK
this is a head like yeah
I gotta wait one I'm crazy right now with three little ones
but one day I'm gonna look at my partner and be like
what do we do now do we just
do we breathe do we rely
I don't know but yeah
so my notes okay
pass them down and what is for each of you
what is something you would share to someone who might be in a similar
roll about how to stay you
even though you've got all of these other people you're caring for
or maybe it's professional pursuits and that's a lot
or maybe you're navigating that's super complex
so you feel like you have to focus
and you're not really focusing on you
you're focusing on what's next or what to do I
I I know for me
like I've always um
like no matter what has come at me
like there's been a lot of
you know like we've talked about death
we've talked about trauma
just things that have happened
and I've always just been like determined
like nothing is gonna derail me from like what my goals are like
I'm gonna make it happen I'm gonna just push ahead
so even though like this the stuff with my son Dallas
like I'm ready to like use this as a springboard to like
like take his health and make it you know
like
really go forward with this and try to help him out with his health
I mean there's so many things
so I take everything that comes at me and I just kind of say
you know what no
this is like my way to say
we're moving forward and we're gonna like
totally just go for it and not let it deter me
so that's kind of my my my thing
nothing's gonna happen
sorry guys follow that up
you're the perfect one
everything's downhill now
I don't know if that's a person personality thing
but I'm similar in the sense you and I are both very reserved
but dang when I have a goal and now that I'm older
but it's like tunnel vision like I don't see anything else
I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do it I'm gonna play D1 soccer in Hawaii
I'm gonna do it you did it y'all I'm gonna get my doctorate's degree
I'm gonna do it she got that doctorate's degree
I'm gonna live internationally
I'm gonna learn Spanish I'm gonna do it
but I don't know if it's a personality trait
or if it's just something
you have something hard in life and you just
you use it towards determination
and I think you and I are similar in that
sense
but I think that's a very similar
I don't I don't know if other people relate to that
if they use something hard for a goal and they just go for it
but that's definitely how I am and I think you're similar yeah
maybe just thinking about this now we saw people and myself included
so I'm throwing myself under the bus here
who went through hard things and then kind of hurt myself
instead of being driven in a positive way
I actually went the negative way first
it's like a miracle I'm alive
at some points when I think about and reflect on where I was
where I was and you all all of us
and I'm sure everyone in this room
has been exposed to some level of trauma
where you had to ask yourself and make a choice of maybe
if you were gonna maybe you don't maybe yeah
I actually maybe you don't
you just kind of get caught up in the motions
and you start behaving in a certain way
and next thing you know that's you're known as that person
and then it's like untangling that is part of that journey is
how do I untangle all of the
the negative stuff I did after seeing negative stuff
but you guys did that and that's kind of a common thing
to kind of just let it derail you and take it internally
and just kind of take that
hurt yourself you know
I would say don't limit yourself cause you can hear the noise yeah
do you maybe can you say that one more time
yes OK
yeah don't limit yourself um
you're not too old you're not
you know not yeah
yeah yeah
there you go I've had to tell myself that
that it is not too late
if I wanna go to school and pursue something that I wanted to do
that I chose not to because of the responsibilities that I had
or chose to do um
you know if you wanna do that
do it if you're not happy in your job
quit it I stayed in the same job for 23 years
and I was miserable the last few years
absolutely and I stayed in it because that was the
the correct thing to do that's what's expected of you
just be responsible and I just
I chose to honor myself and sit back and realize
I'm coming to a crossroads in life
and I need to decide what's
what makes me happy cause I have to live my life
nobody else is gonna live it for me and what can I do
what should I do what do I wanna do to um
make myself happy again so yes
can we give it up for me as my sister
in my professional work I work with people all over the country
from students to educators to even inmates
and I hear stories of things that
they struggle with in their own words
in their own handwriting
and they share it as a way to let go of that struggle
and these are actually in your hands right now
they are real stories from real people
they're it they're completely anonymous
but they share all kinds of struggles
if there's something you just felt like
connected to or you could relate to
or made you think about what you read
just give her a wave yeah
hey everyone my name is NAS
what's up NAS
I come from a different country
um I don't have my family here
so they have been my American family and I'm very um
fortunate to have them so
oh sorry
very fortunate to have them
I was invited one Christmas to the family's home here in Arizona
drove out of Texas and I loved it here
so I've been part of the family since
I never left I never left
I stayed here yeah
I made Arizona my home and I'm very happy about that
and I'm very fortunate to have them
um where I come from is very um
complex I was born in one country
I migrated forcefully to a different country
I was born in Iran and at age of 9 I uh
moved to the Netherlands where I grew up most of my life
and I chose to come to this country for different reasons
one is that I never chose the Netherlands
it was a perfect country to grow up
I had all the opportunities I wanted and I made my best friends
but the thing was I was forcefully moved from where I felt really good
to go to this country I remember I was 12
and I had to drive from this village in the Netherlands
to the city where I went to high school
and I saw myself in the screen of this bus where I drove
and I looked at myself and I thought
what am I doing here who am I
and I was already questioning my identity
um it took me a long time to appreciate my parents
for the opportunities they created for me
and my siblings because if you have ever
you know read about Iran
you know it's really bad
um in the Netherlands
I was growing up went to my
you know did my high school
I was a rebel just like Julie
I was called the black sheep of the family
because I was constantly
doing the opposite of what my parents expected
um because I just didn't like where I was
I was missing my family I had a very loving family
my grandma was my mother and so
it was very tough leaving that
and coming to a country where I had no clue who they were
and then um
starting all over when I reached to the age of college
and I was able to go to a study abroad
I just randomly chose Texas
and that was something that I wanted to have
I wanted to choose where I was going to live
something that this card says
it says if I could
I would start a program to help children who are struggling
I've thought a lot about it because I've always like kind of um
reflected on my own life where I come from
who I am and then now I'm here with my own children
and I have very often reflected on
I'm doing things to them that my parents did to me
I have removed them from their family
I'm living so far apart from my parents
and my siblings and their cousins
and that's exactly what I did not like about what my parents did to me
but this is what I chose I have to live with it
the other thing that this card says is
I struggled
because I didn't think my struggles had enough value to be heard
I went through that a lot
that's why I was a rebel I was doing everything I was not allowed
I went and did everything you could possibly think
I was always in trouble for some random reason
we need to be able to admit to the negative
learn from it and not repeat it
that's something I've wanted to do for my children
yes I hated that we lived in a country away from my
you know core values
from those people who love me a lot
I'm not going to regret it that I did it now to my children
being far away from my parents
because what I'm offering them here
is probably not something that I was able to offer them
in the Netherlands
um I think we need to be able to stand up for ourselves
and be able to say that some things that worked for us
there were still other things that didn't work for us
I did feel lost and then I
when I came here I have proudly say Arizona is my home
and my motto is nothing is impossible
and I see that in this card as well
and it says I'm possible and I love that about this card
and that's how it resonates
well
thank you so much for tuning in to this very first episode of journey
with Doctor J right here in my hometown
and stay tuned for part 2
wherever you are at on your journey
keep going keep growing
and never lose that fire inside that lights the path towards hope
thank you so much we'll see you next time